Thought Crime

Darkness
encroachinig
 i cover myself

in silence

and try to anticipate
the ending
but
the ending is unknown

as unknown
as it
can be

gasping
curling
curving
twisting
spun around myself
a web of silk to keep out the hurt

hands pressed to my mouth to keep in the words that betray  my
weakness

i cant show my weakness

the tears that taste like gin
and tonic

i swallow them and
pretend they are not caused by
your words

spoken
unspoken

all the words that
tear at my flesh
eat my soul
tangle in my hair and bite

bite
with venomous teeth
that leave
scars
bright red
on my skin

bright
red

but i press my fingers to my lips
and supress
repress

This is my lot
my liife

i try to fight
but end up here
on my floor
fighting back tears with

silver

Skirmish

A thousand years
Of unwon battles
She Fought on
The plains
Of the discontent
Undeserving
A place
Of darkness
Lack of starlight
Of failure

Warrior cry
Of frustration
Distress
Trapped in the labyrinth
Of
Those unable
To become
Bound to the walls
By chains
With links of
Loneliness
Dishonor
Disappointment
Betrayal

She tears at her flesh in horror

When
Sudden
Silent
and silver blue
On the horizon

A moon rises
Full
Of peace

Her face
Ghosted with tears
Turns up

And reflects
It's light

Eyes wet with
Disbelief

She lifts her head from
The sands of sorrow
Of despair
To gaze in
Confusion
At the

Key of moonlight
In her hand

With trembling fingers
It slides into the lock

Snick
Snack

The chains fall away
From
Her ankles
And


Release her

Silver blue moonlight
On
Scars
And skirmishes

She walks
She runs
She flies

Escape.








- sarah[inprogress]

Tomorrow

In a dream of tomorrow
I heard your voice
Whispering secrets to my soul
In tones of hushed
Delight
Fear
Acceptance

In a dream of tomorrow
I saw your face
Shimmering with a
Reflection of my own
Eyes
alight with
Cerulean desire

I dream

Awaken to the sound of
Chimes
Echoing

The predawn light lays me down
Shivering cold
Apart

Hand reaching out for hand
Warmth craving warmth
I smile

The night lets me go

I smile.

- sarah[inprogress]

And she said

You pull my smile
From within
With words that ignite
Like a wildfire
Across my mind

Entangled
In a crush of
Epiphany
Colored gold and green and autumnal red

Cornered by thoughts of
Desire for
Hope returned to

Calamity
Calling my name
In a jagged glass edged
Voice
Of harpy siren
Seductresses

Playing their games of
Dice
with my bones

Laughing
At my dilemma
Laughing

In the dark.




- sarah[inprogress]

Entanglement

Colima to Mar Vista
In the blue black
3am light

Eyes not really seeing
My body full of sight

I

Put one foot forward
And turn my head back
It's like a sudden rush of headwind

It's like a crystal glass has cracked

A multitude of definitions
Reeling through my mind
A sudden lack of sound
Call this feat a crime

I

Trust my intuition
The things I sense
Might be

But

My intuition
Is
Just as afraid as me

Tumbling into
Unknown waters
I'm
Only who I am

I stretch out a hand and hope
That in the blue black
3am light
I might
Just find
Another hand




- sarah[inprogress]

Temporary

Clarity
Fled
With the first bittersweet
Something
The promise of nothing
Of departure
Betrayed by the Truth
In her
Eyes

Scattered across her face
Easily read in the lines of her lips
The

Closing of eyes
And the meeting of
Minds

She falls
Trips
Spills
Pours

She won't say it

Frozen limbs
Held still by
A sudden flood of warmth
Contentment within the-
Underlying the-
Fear of release

She closes down only to find
Him
Reading her face
And telling it back to her

With cool the alacrity
Of a scholar

She hadn't realized her
Strong tower
Her fortress
(her prison)
Had been breached

She finds a place to hide
Between his teeth

She flutters
In a cage suddenly unbounded
By gilded
Acid laced bars

And
Like a bright fragment of pain
She soars
Bird-winged
Into a crystalline night
she can no longer interpret

She tumbles
Lost
Under clarion stars which
Pinpoint her location
in a silversweet language
She can not understand

And as the temperature
Begins to rise
She recognizes the dawn
And heads towards the horizon
Spreading her
Suddenly discovered wings






- sarah[inprogress]

Stoic

Dissatisfaction
Suddenly brimming on the edge of my lips
The tip of my tongue

The sour taste of dashed hope
Suffices for my supper

I suffer in everlasting silence
Bleeding out my words of
A pain not comprehended
Onto a page shimmering red
With innocent blood

Haste
Making my fingertip tremble
Sensation of cold
Heat
Drawing out the acid white
Pain of
Bitter mistrust

I bite my fingernails to the quick
In
Panic
That I then suppress
With my blinding smiles
Slight widening of doe eyes

So you cannot see
That I am afraid.

- sarah[inprogress]

Potential

She whispers a word
Into the air
And watches it freeze
Katink
It shatters to the ground in fragments of pearly white
Goblin teeth that
Bite at her ankles and make her
Back away

Her eyes sit before her
On a silver platter
Blinded

She is bound
With ropes of wintergreen
To the cold iron rods of the
Gate which guards
The graves

To protect the living from the dead
And the cold black iron
Burns her skin

And her skin peels away in strips of
Dewy red

She hangs her head
And breathes
The pain intrigues
She is caught
Bought

She hardly even fought
Her edges shimmer
In the void

She is evergreen
And melancholy
She is winter ice against your teeth

With the potential to devastate
She is holly and hemlock
Belladonna stained fingertips prying at iron locks until she bleeds

A wayward goddess
She grieves
Honeyed lips lie with
No remorse

Dark horse
She comes from behind
To bind you

So here she stays
Bound to
The in-between by
Iron
Salt

And

The dawn



- sarah[inprogress]

denied

In the quiet
Of a dark morning
She contemplates
Eternity
And all the Ifs and why's
That plague
She presses her mouth
To the cold reflection of her soul
In her dark scrying glass
And ponders the outcome of tomorrow
She is mere flesh
At times a vapor that blows away
In the early morning breeze
Clinging mindless
To the bark of trees
She is denied the most basic of instincts

Trust

She bleeds desire
But has nothing to bind her wound.

Replica

silver sharp
image
of
a girl i once was

awash in
bittersweet
recriminations

i tell myself
it will be alright
and then
deny that there
was anything wrong

once again
a gold haloed icon
in the eyes of
a sycophant
desperate for

attention

awash in
recrimination
i cling to the vestige of hope
that once was offered

its tatters of
red
staining my hands
and tearing apart my soul
as it falls to pieces

marks like fingertips
grace my throat
souvenir of
capitulation
speculation
sacrifice.

carmine
and
heliotrope
violet
indigo
green
yellow

sick colors that
scream

of my incompetence


How can i stand to
look into eyes that
see me?

All my life i have been hiding.

butterfly

i am caught
captor's hand pressed firmly
upon my wings
as he sets the pins in place
and i bleed

trapped once more
by my own folly
i flew into this
cage of my own will

now i drown in
the desire to sail away
become glittering dust

i struggle against this issue
of trust
and let the pins bind me down
pierce sinew and crown

and weep
for lack
lack of clarity

the clarity of
freedom

as i am bound
to this card
and put upon display
just another butterfly in
this case


gilded wings trimmed and
glossed

i give freely what is taken
what is taken

but this quiet voice of reason,
is counted
merely as loss. 

narcotic

i am
the goddess of destruction
pressed firm beneath your fingertips
crushed into
lemon scented
dust

i am
crystalline
fine fragments of reality
that you breathe in

hallucinations
of tomorrow
swim
forever forward
blue and green
full of the promise of
happiness

but i am
the goddess of
oblivion
pressed to powder
by your will

i dance upon your fingertip
haunted
hunted
chained
and i weep golden red tears
that could heal the world

second skin
like iced coffee
touch my lips and taste
arsenic


do you
find
the dark liquid of my soul
to be
too thick
to traverse?

do you
find yourself
standing upon the shore
longing to see the other side
but tasting only midnight?

i am not a lantern
to be hung upon your prow
no

i am
the Morrigan
come to take your soul

I am not a saviour
come to hold your hand
come to heal

i am the goddess of
destruction

i can
i will
i must

tear you apart.

Despite Our Mutual Dislike

I write "Oblivate"
in large curling letters
over your name
and then burn the paper under
the full moon

hopefully your
dark
aquiline face
will fade away
and neither of us will remember
how you betrayed
a basic trust

I write
"Obliviate"
over your image

the one of you in the sand
looking for all the world
like a dark knight prince
devoid of armor and
lost along the sea coast

alone

i get ink on my fingers
stained deep into the
whorls
and it burns
psychic pain
that delves deep into the
quiet places of my heart

I write "Obliviate"
and laugh,
finally
as i burn to ashes
the meager
contributions
you gave

as the ashes
blow away
in the sea breeze

i blow away
in the sea breeze

free.

amalgam

i am
blood

drawn in thin red lines of hatred and
despair

loneliness that kills
slowly
despite the presence of warmth

i am
tears
hidden by burning hot
shower spray
choked down and
devoured by
animal instinct

i am
solitude
in a crowded room
wide clear eyes
seeing everything
saying nothing
evaluating and dismissing

i am
pain
suffered and
borne
and denied
and repressed
and savored
self-inflicted and

"Oh, little Masochist..."
they say to me,
in the night
closing my eyes
and dripping the
nightshade
Belladonna pain
onto my tongue

revel of spinning dark colors
purple and black
green blue and yellow
bruise flowers blossoming over time.


i am
the Empress
the Fool
the Hanged Man
the Tower.

the ace of spades
and the queen of hearts.

i am everything
you tasted and
sought
and touched.

swirling vaporous through your
nightfields and
leaving behind the seeds of
desire
that you drown in
formidable dispassionate 
haste

facade.

i am
a tangle
mixed bag, cluttered mess
botched collage
a ramshackle hodgepodge
of whimsy and terror
sugared candy glass fragments of a little girl's heart.

lastly, of course,i am
nothing
at all.



not windfall
or starlight
not mile
nor inch
i am not
kitten
not caterpillar
Linnet
nor Finch.

I am not copper
not silver
not platinum
nor gold.

i am not beauty
nor beast
warmth,
nor cold.

Just
a girl,
without mission
without purpose
without place.

just a girl
silent girl
with no tears on her face.

Apathy

I don't care.
I just don't.
I am floating through my life, barely existing, and it is starting to scare me.
Somewhere, inside, i am screaming, but i can't bring myself to react.
My psyche is dampened, encased in glass and a narcotic fog.

Nothing I do seems to result in reaction.
I am not even being, merely occupying space and time and not...
not...
anything.


Apathetic.
That is all, mere apathy.

and the me trapped inside that glass narcotic fog is screaming

"please...please...
react."

Again?

you wrote me a poem
in blood
and i felt it
pour beneath my skin

but you're gone now
i can no longer feel your
breath

I awake screaming
frightened by the night spectors that
haunt me now

your voice echoes

and i tremble
there is nothing left to do
but wait

i always return to you
you always return me to

bittersweet

You screamfightbruise
against the edges of the world
trying to press in to
conform you to their
ideals.

you don't
conform
you burn their

norms


I closed my eyes and,
hope.

Intoxication

I come home

in the dim morning light

beside you

laughing

at an inside joke

no one else understands

as we dance through the front door and fall

upon each other

we don't even make it to the bedroom

the alcohol runs

through our veins

making us

crave

we pour into each other like

light into dawn

starlight into darkness

i shimmer and you burn

I smile into your possessiveness

like it's all I ever wanted

It rains

and we stay beneath the sheets

all day

and give into the cliché

exploring the boundaries

of our skin

and how much we can take

you make me

crave

and I fall to pieces

in your hands

you smile and

I don't even know how we got here

but you undress me

slow

and I know

it's where I am supposed to be

it's tomorrow

and there is a rattle of the door knob

we're in bed and

little heads persist to

awaken

and we laugh

and brush away the lingering

intoxication

we are our each others vacation

this is how we live our lives.

A dozen times.

The loneliness sometimes
circles me
with eyes shining mirror bright against the dark.

It's coat is like coal and crimson
stolen from the black of my nightmares
the the scarlet of my heartblood.

The loneliness whispers
soft to me
that I will never be rid of it.

And this
is the human condition, after all.
Isn't it?
To be surrounded by those we hold dear
and feel the pain of separation?

And why is it so hard to say...?
"I am lonely."

Is it sin,
to want to be part of a pair?
Is it...sin?

Go.

Outside. Look up at the stars.
See them.
Hear them.

Go. Be. Act.


Become.

Insomniatic Rambling.

The waves crash.
It's like the night. Echoes, in my ears, in my heart.
My soul responds with all it's joy and outrage at this bitter cold beautifully warm world that i have been cast into.
What part of me *belongs* here? I feel so torn, sometimes. I love the world for it's vibrance and love and passion and vivid colors. I despise it for it's hatred and envy, it's bigotry, it's greys and blacks and puces.

With each footfall on my lifepath I try to remember:
This is a pilgrimage to a higher place.

I struggle to accept that, and all that in entails.

I fail.
I get up and i fall, and i fall.
I have bruises on my shins, and scratches on my arms, and my eyes are sodden.
When will this journey be finished?
I struggle for my destination and find it forever out of reach. Forever shining bright upon the hill where i can see it's light, but can not feel it's warmth.

What am I supposed to learn?

I over analyze everything. Life is full of meaning that i can not understand.

And so i embrace it all.
I open my heart to the wonder of living, and try to remember that is the reason I am here. To accept that I can not. To learn that I am only myself.

 There is so much to love about this world, and so much to despise.
I try not to let the darkness envelope, but sometimes, it does.
But there is always light again.

There is rain, and there are trees. And fresh cut grass. There are books, and parks, and dogs and cats and there are smiles, and there is laughter, and there is friendship.
The moon, the stars, and the immense universe that we have only begun to fathom. There is the deepest ocean. There are sandy beaches, and phosphorescent  nightwaves cresting.
There is romance, and heartache, and pleasure and pain, and i want to enjoy every minute of it, and be grateful for every last breath that i take.

Is it wrong to want to enjoy the world, when my faith declares i am not to be *of* it?
Is the world it declares the world I love? Or a different world that spins away from me?

It is hard to live.

But, that, perhaps, is why i love it so much.

It seems that everything you must struggle for is, once you have crested the pain and the difficulty, beautiful.