amalgam

i am
blood

drawn in thin red lines of hatred and
despair

loneliness that kills
slowly
despite the presence of warmth

i am
tears
hidden by burning hot
shower spray
choked down and
devoured by
animal instinct

i am
solitude
in a crowded room
wide clear eyes
seeing everything
saying nothing
evaluating and dismissing

i am
pain
suffered and
borne
and denied
and repressed
and savored
self-inflicted and

"Oh, little Masochist..."
they say to me,
in the night
closing my eyes
and dripping the
nightshade
Belladonna pain
onto my tongue

revel of spinning dark colors
purple and black
green blue and yellow
bruise flowers blossoming over time.


i am
the Empress
the Fool
the Hanged Man
the Tower.

the ace of spades
and the queen of hearts.

i am everything
you tasted and
sought
and touched.

swirling vaporous through your
nightfields and
leaving behind the seeds of
desire
that you drown in
formidable dispassionate 
haste

facade.

i am
a tangle
mixed bag, cluttered mess
botched collage
a ramshackle hodgepodge
of whimsy and terror
sugared candy glass fragments of a little girl's heart.

lastly, of course,i am
nothing
at all.



not windfall
or starlight
not mile
nor inch
i am not
kitten
not caterpillar
Linnet
nor Finch.

I am not copper
not silver
not platinum
nor gold.

i am not beauty
nor beast
warmth,
nor cold.

Just
a girl,
without mission
without purpose
without place.

just a girl
silent girl
with no tears on her face.