taking up space

what words are there to say

when you are 31 years old

and you don’t know how to

take up space?

(when

you don't think you

deserve

to take up space?)

when you spent

so many years

learning how to be

someone else?

believe something

else.

say something

else.

wear something

else.

do something

else.

don’t do anything at all.

become small.

learning how to

stay silent

or face

the consequences

when the consequence

is losing your

identity?

it’s

so much more

than

toeing the line

when your every action

is weighed

and weighed and weighed

and still

disappointment

is the outcome.

What words are there to say

when you are 31 years old

and you don’t know who you are?

when you don’t know how to be,

or what you want,

or what you can do?

what words are there

to say

when your personality

is subverted.

when your identity

is subverted.

What words are there to say

when you are a fucking

adult

and you still feel like

a child?

and you still feel like it’s

your fault?

and you can’t claim your

anger,

because you are afraid

of the fallout?

What words are there to say?

I am enough.

I am worthy of love.

I am creative

and kind

and compassionate

and good

and I have given

and given

and given

until there is nothing left of me

to give

and i think it’s time

to start

taking

up

space.

Blossom

I have been

A chrysalis

For so long

Striving towards

Freedom

And solid form

I have been

Encased in

Doubt

For so long

Not sure of the

Strength

Of my limbs

Resisting the urge to

Reach out

And pulling back

once i have

Second guessing all my choices

I have been trapped by

Expectations

Hesitations

I have been hiding here

Quiet

Beneath all

The

Perceptions

Of my self

I have been a chrysalis

So long

Isn’t it time

At last

To emerge?

A beautiful explosion

Of expression

After the

Struggle

And dissolution

Of youth?

And the pain of

Actualization

Paralyzes

And yet

And yet

i am not a bright color

but still

i burn vibrant

I am not a loud voice

But still

i resound

Beneath my skin

Entangled in my thoughts

You will find

Whole worlds waiting

As i have been waiting

As a chrysalis

For so long

Letters to No One

1.
Did you know
nostalgia
is my favorite emotion?

I used to think
Something was wrong

Fundamentally

That there was some broken part
In my head
That some clockwork
Part
Was misaligned

It took me
17 years
To figure out
How much
More
My differences
Make me

I can see
So many things
Lost in the colors that others
Let go

Sadness is
My muse and friend
It doesn’t wound but
It bouys

Blues and greys

And in the end
Always
You.

2.
And you have made me want
To believe in soulmates
And I don’t even believe in
The soul.

3.
You asked me once if i wanted to kiss you,
When we were children.
I didn’t trust you.
I don’t.
Trust you.
I wish I had kissed you -
thrown all of my cards in -
when I had
the chance

4.
I used to know your
phone number
by heart.

I made myself forget.

It took years.

5.
But why must it always be code
And why must we always deny?
I realize at last what i want isn’t
Touch
Just the taste
Of your elegant mind.

I know we’ve had darkness
And heartache
And there’s blame for the both of us,
But I still remember that night,

I wore red and black
And you came in late
With your camera to hide behind,

Or was that really all a lie?

6.
I never erase things
anymore
they are always locked away
somewhere
were i can find
them

once i burned everything
you ever
left behind
and now
i mourn
that every word you left
is locked somewhere in my head
and I can't
remember

your tone
or phrase

or the quiet
presence you lent
my days

How much did you leave me,
that i missed in my wounded
refusal to forgive?

7.

I miss the smallest things

The strange and irrelevant;

The click of electronic keyboard press,

The thrill of recognition,

And, stars and stones but

The laughter in your voice.

I could never decide if it

Was with or at or because and so I just remember.

Minutiae.

Murmurs in the dark

When the minutes were free.

Have you heard my tears?

I pretend that telepathy is real

And reach out and out and out

And question the validity of

The soul.

So this is what the hate that comes from lack of closure feels like.

8.

i wonder
if you felt the space between us
burn

was that just my imagination?
it must have been...

did you know
i wanted to
climb
the long length
of your limbs,

to feel
heat against heat?


no.
that was just a fevered night dream
leaving me
here

wondering.

Foreign

you say
"i see you
as an open book,"

but the
language that is spread
across my pages
is
foreign
to you