Letters to No One

1.
Did you know
nostalgia
is my favorite emotion?

I used to think
Something was wrong

Fundamentally

That there was some broken part
In my head
That some clockwork
Part
Was misaligned

It took me
17 years
To figure out
How much
More
My differences
Make me

I can see
So many things
Lost in the colors that others
Let go

Sadness is
My muse and friend
It doesn’t wound but
It bouys

Blues and greys

And in the end
Always
You.

2.
And you have made me want
To believe in soulmates
And I don’t even believe in
The soul.

3.
You asked me once if i wanted to kiss you,
When we were children.
I didn’t trust you.
I don’t.
Trust you.
I wish I had kissed you -
thrown all of my cards in -
when I had
the chance

4.
I used to know your
phone number
by heart.

I made myself forget.

It took years.

5.
But why must it always be code
And why must we always deny?
I realize at last what i want isn’t
Touch
Just the taste
Of your elegant mind.

I know we’ve had darkness
And heartache
And there’s blame for the both of us,
But I still remember that night,

I wore red and black
And you came in late
With your camera to hide behind,

Or was that really all a lie?

6.
I never erase things
anymore
they are always locked away
somewhere
were i can find
them

once i burned everything
you ever
left behind
and now
i mourn
that every word you left
is locked somewhere in my head
and I can't
remember

your tone
or phrase

or the quiet
presence you lent
my days

How much did you leave me,
that i missed in my wounded
refusal to forgive?

7.

I miss the smallest things

The strange and irrelevant;

The click of electronic keyboard press,

The thrill of recognition,

And, stars and stones but

The laughter in your voice.

I could never decide if it

Was with or at or because and so I just remember.

Minutiae.

Murmurs in the dark

When the minutes were free.

Have you heard my tears?

I pretend that telepathy is real

And reach out and out and out

And question the validity of

The soul.

So this is what the hate that comes from lack of closure feels like.

8.

i wonder
if you felt the space between us
burn

was that just my imagination?
it must have been...

did you know
i wanted to
climb
the long length
of your limbs,

to feel
heat against heat?


no.
that was just a fevered night dream
leaving me
here

wondering.